StuPidwish Archives

Don't Read It

Words: mostly Henry
Music: Henry

This one's about things you shouldn't read. And some other stuff that rhymes.

Lyrics:
Chemistry textbooks - don't read it
The fine print - don't read it
The dead sea scrolls - don't read it
Roadsigns - don't read it

Chorus:
There's lots of stuff that you better not read
And the world is full of hidden dangers
So why not do, what your mom to you to
And never read from strangers

Nutritional facts - don't read it
Stereo instructions - don't read it
Braille - don't read it
Other people's minds - don't read it

Chorus

Bridge:
Reading is bad for you
Reading is what you better not do
Reading could cause your hidden end
Reading...please take heed
And never ever ever read
Or else you'll see the steeble will be remmed
Or else you'll see the steeble will be remmed

Silica gel - don't eat it
Auto parts - don't eat it
Auto people - don't eat it
Garbage - don't eat it

Chorus

Gremlins after midnight - don't feed it
Michael Jackson - don't beat it
Cookie dough - don't knead it
Guilty - don't plead it

Chorus

Bridge

Bonus:
Typing the lyrics to this just made me very, very happy. This song is brilliant in so many ways. Henry makes most of it up as he goes along. It also contains a version of the phrase "Rem the Steeble." I can't tell you what that means, but we used to scream it a lot. And it drove Big Al crazy. And that's the main reason why we did it.

Pregnant Head

Words: Randy (I guess)
Music: Henry

This is Krotch's new favorite song. Obviously.

Lyrics:

Ready?

Pregnant Head
Don't put it in your ear again
Let me put it in your rear again

Watch out for Timothy
He's coming after you
Dressed himself up like a shoe
Went to the shoestore, tried him on

(stop making me laugh)

Gabraham Lincoln
Middle name is Butt-rot

(I'm strugglin')

Explainer:
This one, I can't explain. Gabraham Lincoln, obvioulsy, is Gabe. Why his middle name is Butt-rot, I don't know. We explore this in further detail in the song Missle Command. Good luck.

How Much Gas?

Words: Randy
Music: Henry

I don't remember too much about the Chelsea Apartment tapes. I know Mikey Quinn was there with some friends (or maybe just one). I know we drank a few bottles of George Dickel. I think that may have been the night that Mike's girlfriend tried to turn white wine into red wine by putting red hots in it. I think later that night when Kerry said she was going to the store to get another box of wine, I protested, "but we have a second one in the firdge." But it turns out, we drank that one, too. Mostly during the recording of songs, we were playing nintendo, so some nintendo games get mentioned. And at the end of almost all of them, Mikey says something awesome.

Lyrics:

How much gas will it take to fill the room
Until I asphyxiate and die?
How much gas will come out of my ass
'till it fills up the room and I die?

(this's your part, it's your part)

gas...gas...gas...

Let's find out, right now
I'll start farting, here's how...

Randy: That's probly the worst song...
Henry: You're so cut off.
Randy: ...in the history of recorded music.
Mikey: It wasn't bad, actually.

Henry's gettin' stupid again. so I guess I need to update.

Papal Visit

Words: Randy and Jonas
Music: Randy

The pope was coming to new jersey, or something, and everyone was freaking out about it. I didn't see what the big deal was. I just wanted some clean dishes and silverware to eat with. All over the TV and newspapers, it was all about the papal visit. I thought it would be nice if he stopped by to do our dishes. We sure as hell weren't going to do it.

Lyrics:

We got lots of dirty dishes in the sink
That ain't too cool now is it?
It's really gettin' kinda nasty in here
It's a damn good thing about the papal visit

Couldn't find a spoon to eat my cheerios
I think the message is implicit
Something's gotta be done rather quickly
It's a damn good thing about the papal visit

Chorus:
The Pope can do our dishes
He can use a grubby, grubby sponge
The Pope, he can do our dishes
Because he's always on the run

Well our place ain't that nasty, no
So why you gotta go and diss it?
I guess it could use a little bit of cleaning though
It's a damn good thing about the papal visit

Chorus

Bridge:
Well the pope likes bob hope
'cause bob hope grows the dope
he takes a boat across the moat
and climbs up on the rope
now upon the rope, he takes the dope
and gives it to the pope
they smoke some bowls
and eat some rolls
and eat some cantaloupe

Chorus

I like the pope, the pope smokes dope...
I like the pope, the pope smokes dope...
I like the pope, the pope smokes dope...
I like the pope, the pope smokes dope...etc.

Endnotes:

I think that pretty much speaks for itself. I will add that I wrote it before I knew "rolls" was a drug, too. So here, the pope is just smoking weed and eating bread and fruit with bob hope, not "rolling."

Well, the time, apparently, has come for the creation of the official StuPidwish Fan Club. To join up, simply email Stu_Pidwish@yahoo.com For those of you in the band who'd like access, the password is the name of a movie we all like to talk about very much. The clue for the password is our favorite passtime at 108 Cook St. Think "Jonas's computer." See you there. Happy Stupid!

About our first album

Our first album was called "The Olde Time Taste Of The Banana." That was Big Jon's fault. We made a big list of possible names. This list included the following:

Songs Sung Stu
Don't Touch The Arabic
Red Stuff with Yer Red Stuff On It
108 Cook Street
Stu Pidwish and the Texas Jewboys
Live at the Timberlakes
Best Band Created By Man or Beast
Best Band Created By Land or Beast
Best Band Created By Lando Calrissian
We Love You More Than The Man Who's Ten Feet Tall
That's a True Story
They Ain't Makin' Stu's Like Jesus Anymore
Doolny Butter
StuPid Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
The Stupidest
No Regatta
Wearing The Helmet of Power
...Gabriel Bato
Made Out Of Rubber
Wipe That Face Off Your Head, Bitch!
The Old Time Taste Of The Banana

Some of those may be recognizable, since we stole them. The Banana story is from Big Jon's first attempts at playing the banjo. He was teaching himself from a book. The book instructed him to "listen to the old time sound of the F chord." He then spent the next hour or so playing an F chord over and over and demanding that everyone in the room listen to the old time sound of it. Eventually he got bored and hungry and after taking a bite of a banana, he declared, "I love the old time taste of the banana!"

The Helmet of Power used to live on the ceiling covering a light and making cool light patterns on the walls. It would occassionally come down to be a helmet of power or for making spaghetti. I have no idea what Gabriel Bato is from. No Regatta comes from an unfortunate incident involving calzones and a particluar type of cheese I don't like. Doolny Butter and the Timberlakes are all Henry. That's it for now.

The Ballad of Larry Lum Lum

Words and music: Randy

(not posted yet on Henry's site)

I was in my room one day during senior year, playing some music I made up. I was trying to write a song, but I had no lyrics and no idea what to write about. I asked Big Jon for advice and, without even pausing to think, he said, "Leprechauns. Like a midget leprechaun probably." And then the song practically wrote itself.

Lyrics:

Larry was a leprechaun, who didn't have any friends
He lived in a wooden shack, up where the river bends
Larry had a problem, he wasn't like the other folk
He was a midget leprechaun, and he was sort of a joke

Chorus:
Because it's hard being a leprechaun when you're only six inches tall
Yes it's hard making friends when you're so small

Larry had another problem, he didn't have any gold
He spent all day chasing rainbows, and looking where he was told
And the girls, they didn't like Larry, 'cause he was so small
He'd always give 'em his number, but he knew they'd never call

Because it's hard finding a girlfriend, when you're a midget leprechaun without any gold
Yeah it's hard getting a date when you look like you're two years old

One day Larry got lucky, with a little midget leprechaun chick
They went to see Doctor Robert, and the rabbit, the bucket did kick
The stork arrived early one morning, and dropped the baby on Larry's head
But the baby was bigger than Larry, and now poor Larry is dead

Because it's hard being a leprechaun when your baby is bigger than you
Yeah it's hard being alive when your skull's cracked in two
And it hard being a leprechaun when your pot of gold is never filled
And you're only six inches tall and the storks wanna have you killed

Explainer: It's a very uplifting song, I know. The best part about this song is the bridge, which is instrumental. It was good when I wrote it and I'm very proud of it, but Henry came up with his accompanying part and that makes it fantastic (if I do say so myself). The name Larry Lum Lum comes from an NFL pregame show (our secong one, see Weeud Gyrations). Someone, probably Beasly Reese, was talking about Drew Bledsoe before a Patriots game (when he was on the Patriots), and referred to him as 'Larry Lum Lum.' At least, that's what I heard. Jonas maintains that he actually said, "Larry Long Arm," but I don't belive it. Although I couldn't understand why Beasly Reese would call Drew Beldsoe, Larry Lum Lum, I did like the name. For the next year and half, I would occassionally call people Larry Lum Lum (instead of Stu) until Big Jon mentioned the idea of a midget leprechaun, who, obviously, needed to take that name for himself. Our usual trick of stealing Beatles lyrics makes a quick appearence here with the reference to Doctor Robert. The line about the rabbit and the bucket is kind of a stretch to make it rhyme, but what I never realised (until now) is that it's backwards. The way I sing it, a bucket is kicking a rabbit, which is just stupid. So anyway, that's the story behind Larry Lum Lum. Why did the storks want to have him killed? Nobody knows.

About the name StuPidwish

Henry named the band. And yes, it is the best name of a band in the history of bands with names. It goes like this - someone who runs onto a busy highway blindfolded has a deathwish. One can only infer from this behavior that the person doing it wishes to be dead, since that will almost surely be the result. When we decided to form a band, it was pretty clear to all of us that we would end up looking really stupid. After all, at the time Henry was the only one who could actually play his instrument. We had, you could say, a stupidwish. Henry invented the term before the band, but it was a perfect fit. Around that same time, for totally unrelated reasons, I would refer to everyone I came into contact with, "Stu." As in, "What up, Stu?" and "Later, Stu." The result of this bizarre behavior was that we began spelling our band's name with a capital P. 'Pidwish,' it seemed, was Stu's last name. Hence the name - StuPidwish.

Someone's Gotta Do It Now, Vivian

Words: Henry, Randy, Jonas, and Big Jon(?)
Music: Henry

Henry wrote some comments on this song but some of it's wrong. We were watching a British comedy show about some punks and houligans that lived together in this flat and there was a rat that they found and this one guy with a crazy mohawk was named Vivian and they all decided that he had to catch the rat and put it in the toaster, or something like that. He didn't wanna do it, but they said, "Someone's gotta do it now, Vivian." And a song was born. Henry's comments about Isaac Kramnick and our coffee table are right on. The third verse is different everytime it's sung - usually Henry just makes it up on the spot. Back in college it almost always included a reference to Gabe and Beverly Hills, 90210. Those were the days.

Lyrics:

Someone's gotta do it now, Vivian
Someone's gotta raise it up, someone's gotta lay it down
Isaac Kramnick's got one horse fever
Isaac Kramnick stuck in this Saturday Night town

Someone's gotta do it now, Vivian
Someone's gotta jump up, someone's gotta toast the rat
Isaac Kramnick's got a little bit of this, now
Isaac Kramnick's got a little bit of that

Chorus:
If I told you once I told you a thousand times before
You better get those legs back on the table
A hundred million bottles washed up on the shore
I'll be better, Doc, as soon as I am able

(3rd verse)

Chorus

Extra Stu: This is the first song I ever put drums on. I like it, but I have to admit, I'm getting better. This song also goes down in history because it's the one original song we used to play that caused people in the audience to ask, "Who wrote that one?" They didn't mean was it me, Henry, or Jonas - they thought it was a cover. They obviously weren't listening to the words. I like the recorded version, but I miss the lyrics about Gabe making us tape 90210 for him because he had class on Wednesday nights. And finally, about the stolen lyrics - the Beatles and the Police were actually common sources of many of our stolen lyrics including Ms. Gradenko (occassionally in Caveboy), The End (in the Gigantic Disgusting Monster), and Sgt. Pepper (stolen music in the beginning of Pierre, just after Paradise City). Also, this is one of many songs where we mistakenly sung the words out of order and then kept doing it because it was Stupider that way. Here "one horse town" and "Saturday Night Fever" became "one horse fever" and "saturday night town." In Down South, "don't forget to bring clean underware" and "I don't wanna know what goes on down there" become "I don't wanna bring clean underware" and "don't forget to know what goes on down there." We're Stupid.

Caveboy

Words: Randy
Music: Randy

I wrote this song during an MCAT review class (hence the first line). I went to class every week, but I wrote songs instead of paying attention. There's really not that much to say about it. It's just StuPid.

Lyrics:

The teacher in front of the room is writing on the board
The kid in back is thinking about the caverns he explored
The snakes and rocks and slimy things that he found on the floor
'Without that cave,' he thought to himself, 'my life is such a bore."

Chorus:
Caveboy - he likes to play in his
Caveboy - his friends all call him a
Brave boy - his friends all call him the
Caveboy - he has a dog, too

Well the cave, that mysterious place, is really very dark
There's a new kid sitting in the front of the room and they all think he's a narc
He came, he came into school, with a billyclub and a jar
And when Jon's dad parked in the handicap zone he put a ticket on his car

Narc boy - he is afraid of the
Dark cave - he never goes in the
Dark cave - so he's not friends with the
Caveboy - he's a loser

Bridge:
Freakboy's comin' so you better watch out
Freakboy's comin' so you better watch out
Freakboy's comin' so you better watch out
Freakboy's comin' so you better watch out

Freakboy! Freakboy!
His mom ate the dog...his daddy ate pebbles
Freakboy! Freakboy!
He plays the bass, but his clefs are all trebles

I like the Freakboy - I think he's nice
I like the Freakboy - I'll say it twice
I like the Freakboy - I think he's swell
If you don't like the Freakboy, you can go to Hell

Narcboy and Fatboy, alone at the cave, Narcboy's afraid to go in
Fatboy would love to go inside the cave, but the opening's too thin
Antboy and Poorboy show up at the cave, Antboy chewin' his gum
Antboy just stands up and then yells out "CAVE!"
Cause Antboy's really dumb

The Skinny:
1. Who's car it is parked in the handicap zone varies each time the song is sung.
2. I'm very proud of the fact that 'he plays the bass, but his clefs are all trebles' was Johnny D.'s favorite StuPidwish lyric. (He plays the bass.)
3. Jonas adds various profanities at will to the end of the bridge. It makes it better.
4. "CAVE!"
5. Henry's guitar on this really makes the song. If only his amp went to eleven.

Phan and the Chicken Man

Words: Jonas, Henry, Randy, and Big Jon
Music: Henry

Henry sums it up pretty well on his site. It's another song involving chicken. This is one that I play almost every time I touch a guitar.

Lyrics:

Flips a burger, and gives her a sideways glance
She cooks a chicken in her hairnet and her checkered pants
She cooks some fries...looks in her eyes
But she tries not to stare

The ancient custom, from their home across the sea
Serves as a reminder that their love (their love) could never be
His head is buzzin'...his parents are cousins
And he's a drooling mongoloid

On taco night, they made their plan
To elope (to elope) to a foreign land
But as they toiled, their plan was foiled
By the man in the rolling chair

Phan and the Chicken Man
Phan and the Chicken Man
Phan and the Chicken Man
Phan and the Chicken Man...

The Stupid:
1. The line about the 'drooling mongoloid' comes from Gerber who used that phrase to describe what happens to him when he eats an apple (he's allergic).
2. Some of the pronouns in the first verse should be masculine, but Jonas gets poetic license.
3. Taco night was second only to nugget night as a reason to go up to North Campus for dinner. Really, almost all our songs are about eating in one way or another.
4. The man in the rolling chair was the head of security or something at RPU. He yelled at us one time for taking too many tacos or nuggets or something and so he's the bad guy in the song.

Rubber Chicken

Words: Henry, Randy, Jonas, & Big Jon
Music: Henry

Henry doesn't explain this song on his website. I think it's because there's really nothing to explain. We were at some waterfall state park near Ithaca, sitting around being idiots, when suddenly we started talking about a rubber chicken who was running for mayor (or something like that). We were all just throwing out ideas about things this rubber chicken would do (get elected mayor, run a 4 minute mile, go to law school, etc.) and the song pretty much wrote itself. It quickly became our #1 hit single. One day, we were sitting around playing spades and watching Old School Wednesday on Rap City (or maybe it was Legends of the Hidden Temple) when there was a knock on the door and in walk two girls saying, "Can you guys play Rubber Chicken for us?"

Lyrics:

Rubber Chicken was born in 1963
Elected Mayor in '82, and then he set all his chicken friends free
Rubber Chicken, he's educated; spent several years in college
He's a patron of the arts; a real lover of all kinds of knowledge

Chorus:
Rubber Chicken - Beat you in the head with it
Rubber Chicken - Beat you 'till you're dead with it
Rubber Chicken - Don't expect to get fed with it
Rubber Chicken
Rubber Chicken is a man's best friend
Rubber Chicken always wins in the end

Got his pilot's license, when he was only four
Sailed across the Atlantic, and then he opened up some kind of store
Rubber Chicken, he wears a three piece suit; he's got all kinds of money
He don't mind it if you laugh at him, because a chicken in a suit looks kind of funny

Chorus

Bridge:
Well he don't mind if you like to eat lots of nuggets
Or if you're a die-hard poultry lover
He takes no affiliation with his fleshy counterparts
Because a Rubber Chicken, we'll he's made out of rubber
I'm the greatest MC in the world!

Rubber Chicken, he has a law degree, and a very successful practice
One time we tried to run from him, but he and his chicken friends tracked us
Rubber Chicken, he's in good-ass shape; he runs a four minute mile
Was called as an expert witness, in that all fucked-up O.J. Simpson trial

Chorus

Extras:
1. Which trial gets mentioned in the last verse is entirely up to Jonas. It was originally OJ Simpson, later (on the version you can download) the Clara Harris trial, and currently the Kobe Bryant trial.
2. "I'm the greatest MC in the world" is lifted from De La Soul's Buhloone Mindstate. It's one of the few instances where you can see our broad range of influences (another is the Blondiesque "man from Mars, eatin' cars"-style rap about Bob Hope in Papal Visit).
3. The lyric "opened up some kind of store" was intended to be temporary until we could think of a sufficiently funny 'kind of store.' We decided it was funniest the way it was.
4. Notice that after getting his pilot's license, he sails across the Atlantic. We're idiots. That wasn't on purpose.
5. Lots of our songs have recurring themes. Chicken nuggets pop up more than anything else (Nugget night, Phan and the Chicken Man, Shitty (which was after a nugget night), and Rubber Chicken, to name a few). Mostly, we just really enjoy writing songs about food coming to life, or animals being people.
6. After the song went Platinum in Ithaca, Daisy got us a real live rubber chicken. It was hollow and had it's mouth open, so we used to fill it with malt liquor and let it regurgitate it back to us. It was great - only slightly less fun than drinking rum out of the decapitated Choco-Bear that Krotch brought us.

Pierre

Words: Randy, Jonas, and Big Jon
Music: Randy

This song is about three people all at the same time. One of those people is a skunk named Pierre, which Henry explains here. Another of those people was someone's girlfriend who would occasionally stop by our place and eat all our frozen Milky Ways (another reference to this can be found in the song Down South). The third person was a good friend's new boyfriend who was a kind of a more pathetic version of Bill Romanowski (if that's possible). Again, as is the case with all our songs, this one is a true story - with a happy ending. The Pierres are all gone (though none of them, as far as I know, has died a painful death).

Lyrics:

I don't know if I can take it very much longer
Pierre keeps coming back, eating all our food again
What I'm hoping is, that the smell don't get no stronger
He's been in the kitchen, I hope he doesn't reach the den

Chorus: Pierre, Pierre, everybody best beware,
Pierre, we can smell him in the air,
Pierre, he gave Henry quite a scare,
Pierre, he likes to run around,
He never makes a sound,
Picks apart our garbage bags and leaves our trash right on the ground

I don't know, if I can take it any much longer
Pierre keeps coming back, why won't he just leave me alone
You think that's not so bad? Well, you couldn't be much wronger
That smelly rodent's a fan of the thuggish ruggish Bone

Chorus

Bridge: It isn't easy livin' with Pierre
When people ask me, I just tell 'em "I don't care"
He goes away, but then he keeps on comin' back
If he don't leave for good, I think I'm gonna crack
I hate him, I hate him, I hope he dies a painful death...

Chorus

I don't know if I can take it very much longer
Pierre keeps coming back, eating all our food again
What I'm hoping is, that the stench don't get no stronger
He's in the kitchen, I hope he's stopped before the den.

Stupid Alert: The part about the thuggish, ruggish Bone has nothing to do with anything except that we used to watch BET alot and Bone Thugs 'n' Harmony was on all the time with some song about how they're the thuggish ruggish Bone. There were few qualities a person could have which would be considered worse than being a fan of the thuggish ruggish Bone. Also, Jonas just likes saying that.

Weeud Gyrations (Song of Stickman)

Words: Henry, Randy, Jonas
Music: Henry

Check out Henry's comments on the song.

What he left out is the alternate title, Weeud Gyrations, comes from a comment made by Beasley Reese on some NFL pregame show. He was talking about a New England Patriots' coach who was moving his body in a weird way while trying to get a play in from the sidelines (before they had headsets in the helmets), but it just as easily applies to Stickman. Beasley Reese is also responsible for naming The Ballad of Larry Lum Lum, but that's another story.

These are some of our stupidest lyrics ever. But as with all our songs, it's a true story.

Lyrics:

Groovin' all day, lives in the basement
Trippin' on a checkerboard garbage can
Nobody knows what the look on his face meant
He does what nobody can
He is the Stickman

Swingin' from trees, he eats a banana
Spendin' all his time in the jungle land
Roamin' all over the desert savannah
He drives a big, yellow van
He is the Stickman

Washin' his clothes, cooks a tomato
Steppin' on a toad with a clap of his hand
Makin' purple people with the peppermint playdough
He's way ahead of the plan
He is the stickman

He'll eat your breakfast...lunch
He'll drink your Kool-Aid...fruit punch
Hide the women and children...please
'Cause Stickman's comin' and he's bringing disease

Shitty

Words & Music: mostly Henry

Background: Henry tells the story here

This is one of my favorite StuPidwish songs of all time.

Lyrics:

I feel like shit
I feel like shitting
The toilet bowl is
Where I'll be sitting
The stuff inside me
Don't seem to be fitting
But the ceiling is the floor
But the ceiling is the floor.

Get outta my way
Clear my path
I'm headin' to the bathroom
But I ain't takin' no bath
Better not come with me
Or you'll smell my wrath
But the ceiling is the floor
But the ceiling is the floor.

Ate too much oatmeal
Breakfast was free
Should have shared with you
Instead of keepin' it all for me
I've had my fun
Now I'll pay my fee
But the ceiling is the floor
But the ceiling is the floor...

Bonus: The oatmeal/breakfast lyric (which also inspired a separate song) came from my experience at the 25 year anniversary of Woodstock (at the original site - Yasgur's Farm - not the big, commercialized one in Saugerties) when a bunch of fat, old hippies wearing Yarmulkes (that's really how you spell it, I looked it up) with dancing bears on them were riding around in the back of a pickup truck calling themselves Jews for Jerry and giving away free oatmeal while singing "Breakfast for Free." It was bizarre.